The Corporate Handbook to Total Survival

If you wake up in the morning summing and doing v look ups in your spreadsheets, you think even buying groceries need a project plan and they need dashboards to track performance, you think of your mom in law has a competency issue and you might want to work out a performance management plan for her, I would want to warmly welcome you to the club of overworked and over jargonized corporate zen gurus.


Working for a MNC now and working for an MNC then has seen a paradigm of change over the last 10 years. Systems, approaches, investments and products have undergone seas of change leaving a few things in their way pretty static. Like your boss remains your boss, they get to play the bully and you need to surrender your candy everytime. Appraisals are still like mirages in the Gobi desert, they are forever near to converting you into a millionaire and then leave you thirsty for pennies. The essence of meetings never change. You walk into one of them thinking you will get some clear see through into issues, you come out being the cause for the impending issue. That smirky competitor still wins the races to the coffee machines, the big projects and that share of the fat paycheck. What would you do, with the immensely smart system, the transparent business strategies and that environment of growth and learning if you are beaten up by your bosses, not paid compensation for the beating and get blamed for ticking your boss off to take a beating in the meetings and your worst enemy at the workplace is still laughing near the coffee machine? Look no further my friend, refer to my top 10 survival guide for a one stop solution to all official cribs. Read and send me your donations in cheque only on my bank account number ( comeon, making you smile has a price as well, dosent it?)

Rule No 10: Never underestimate your skills at Excel. You have been worse with them. So that wrong report you just sent out from your mail box will not be read by the Vice President, don’t worry. It is the power of self conviction.

Rule No 9: Every conversation is a powerpoint file. The more you bullet, the more graph, the more you use slide animations the less stupid you sound

Rule No 8: Never be free. If required book your own calendar busy for the day, be unavailable on chat, wear your hair haggled and paint your eye bags with black powder and run around with a laptop and a notebook. You will be surprised with the results it would bring in.

Rule No 7: The Coffee machine serves adrenaline concoctions. Be convinced and drink yourself into a coffee plant with coffee beans as head gear

Rule No 6: In meetings ask questions no matter what. Ask how this meeting is going to solve for global positioning of the organization in the next 5 years and you will become a VP in no time. Ask how this meeting will strategically improve revenue and you will be promoted as a CFO. Ask what is this meeting all about and you will making spreadsheets and dashboards for the rest of your mortal life.

Rule No 5: Use power words. Words like strategy, framework, models, competencies, revenue rationalization fetch you proportionate traction in your career growth curve than words like “why”, “how” and “ are you sure you want to complicate it to this extent”

Rule No 4: Send abrupt mails of no relevance once every day to everyone you know. It not only makes you smart but also makes you unpredictable.

Rule No 3: Mentally train yourself to think appraisals are going to make a lot of difference to you.

Rule No 2: Your boss is not human, believe in that. Bosses are the Greek gods who have been sent from Atlantis over time through heaven and then onto earth to act as the north star of your mortal lives

Rule No 1: Your Bosses are NOT HUMAN. Believe in that and believe in Rule No 2